Gumby's Rampage
by Tarabridget87
Summary: Think Christian was all sugar and spice? This is what happens when you bottle up your anger. Christian becomes an 1899 version of the Hulk and goes on a rampage.


GUMBY'S RAMPAGE  
  
It was a slow, humid day in the summer of 1899. The sun beat down upon the earth mercilessly, its strong rays so tiring. Christian was sitting around in his garret being lazy even though he actually should've been working on the play. But he didn't care. He just wanted a day off for once.  
  
"So, I'm 'the writer' now, huh?" Christian mumbled to himself. "Well, kiss this, Duke!" Christian guffawed really dorkily as he pulled down his trousers and wiggled his butt as a chair that was supposed to represent the Duke. "I'm taking the day off." He kicked back with a fat cigar and a full bottle of absinthe, ready to be extra lazy.  
  
Not much later, the Bohemians came down through the hole in his ceiling and started bugging him because he hadn't showed up at the Moulin Rouge. "CHRISTIAN! CHRISTIAN! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE WORKING ON THE PLAY!" they all yelled, with the exception of Toulouse, who was yelling "CWISTIAN! CWISTIAN! YOW SUPPOST TO BE WOWKING ON DA PWAY!"  
  
Christian suddenly got really pissed off and on impulse, splashed the he/she in the face with his absinthe and put out his cigar on Satie's bald head. "You know, I'm really sick of you guys dropping - and I mean literally DROPPING - in here all the time. Then you bug me about this and that and I'M GETTING REALLY, REALLY ANGRY!" Christian's eyes turned a most frightening glowing red. Suddenly, his skin seemed to turn a shade of neon green and where before he had no muscles, they grew so overwhelmingly large that his shirt ripped right off of him. As the Bohemians looked up at this giant green booger in terror, Christian was Mwahahaha-ing all the while.  
  
The Bohemians screamed and ran out the DOOR, mind you, for their dear yet weird lives. "THAT'S RIGHT! GO HOME AND EAT BLEACH AND DIE!!!" Christian yelled after them. "They probably won't do it." He said woefully to himself. "Oh well, worth a try."  
  
With all the abrupt silence, Christian suddenly noticed a bird chirping outside his window. "Aww," Christian cooed. "How cute. A cuddly wuddly song birdy in my window." Christian stomped his gigantic green legs over to the window, singing along with the bird in a rather tone-deaf, deep voice. The little songbird looked up at him and smiled, but was surprised to see the end of a shotgun barrel pointed in his face.  
  
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!  
  
"THAT'LL TEACH YOU STUPID SONGBIRDS NEVER TO COME TO MY WINDOW AND CHIRP LIKE THAT AGAIN!!!" Christian shouted. He noticed the floating feathers by the window and laughed wickedly. He ran over to the window to look over the ledge and see where the bird fell.  
  
Down below was a little girl with blonde pigtails in a sundress, looking absolutely horrified. Her face was bright red and she looked as if she was on the verge of bursting into tears at the sight of the bird lying on the sidewalk. Christian rolled his eyes.  
  
"Boo-frickity hoo!!! Go cry me a frickin' river!" Christian yelled down to the little girl as the tears began to flood from her huge blue eyes. The appalled mother of the little girl ushered her away, giving Christian dirty looks.  
  
"Hey, f*** off lady! I didn't invite your chubby little girl over to watch me take care of my business." Christian shouted as he flipped her the bird with both hands.  
  
Over the next few days, the more things that angered Christian, the bigger and greener he got. He demanded to be left alone in his garret and refused to see anyone. After a week, Toulouse knew it was starting to get out of hand.  
  
Toulouse came over to visit Christian. He was starting to really worry for him. He hadn't written anything new for the play for days and had been acting veeeeeery strangely.  
  
"Gee, Chwistian, this is a gweat wook for you. Like Gumby, but a wot cooler." Toulouse said, nervously eyeing Christian's even larger muscles and his green skin.  
  
"Hey midget, why don't you learn to speak some English! You are barely comprehensible!" Christian scoffed as he continued pumping his iron.  
  
"I said it's a gw . . . gwwww . . ." Toulouse struggled to pronounce his "r."  
  
Christian rolled his eyes with great annoyance as Toulouse continued to wrestle with his "r."  
  
"Gwww . . . gwww . . . "  
  
Finally, Christian got fed up with listening to Toulouse.  
  
"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!" he roared as he grew even larger. He folded the weight he had been lifting in half with his gigantic fingers. "YOU'RE MAKING ME ANGRY. YOU WON'T LIKE ME WHEN I'M ANGRY!" Christian growled and beat on his huge chest like King Kong.  
  
Toulouse's eyes filled with tears. "Ok, I'm weaving now. Wwww . . . weeee . . . " Toulouse's attempt to say goodbye only made Christian angrier. He roared with such intensity that all of the glass in his garret shattered. Toulouse watched in horror as Christian grew so large that he could no longer be contained in his small living quarters.  
  
Within a matter of seconds, Christian sprouted right through the roof of the building. His gigantic form towered over the people in the streets, so high he even blocked the sunlight.  
  
In his uncontrollable fit of rage, Christian stomped all over the city of Paris, smashing buildings and using the Eiffel Tower as a toothpick. Soon the sun was setting and Christian had caused so much damage that the whole of France was in a state of panic. He had reduced ancient buildings to heaps of rubble.  
  
There was only one person who could stop him: Satine.  
  
"Satine! Satine! You must stop him!" Zidler cried as Satine watched the gigantic creature destroy the city from her window.  
  
"What can I do? That's not Christian!" Satine replied in frustration, knowing that this disastrous beast could not be her always-loving, always- sensitive Christian. There must be some mistake!  
  
"Oh, but it is!" Toulouse lisped hurriedly. "I saw it happen with my own two eyes!" Satine turned away from them, not wanting to believe this. Suddenly, the door flung open and the mayor stumbled in. His clothes were ripped and dirty, and his chubby face was pink with exhaust.  
  
"Are you mademoiselle Satine?" inquired the sweaty man in a desperate tone of voice. As Satine began to nod, the mayor dropped to his feet and begged like a dog. "I have been told you have the power to stop this monster. Satine, you must save the city! You're the only one who can stop him!"  
  
"I . . . " Satine began to protest, but she once again gazed over the rubble the city had fallen to. "Okay, I'll do it. I'll try my best," Satine agreed with a heavy sigh. The mayor became extremely delighted and he slathered her feet with kisses.  
  
"Oh thank you, thank you!" he exclaimed gleefully. "You're doing the right thing."  
  
"But, on one condition!" Satine halted the mayor. "You must promise not to hurt him."  
  
"Oh, we won't!" the mayor promised. "Just stop him before the whole city is destroyed!"  
  
Satine was then taken to the Eiffel Tower and instructed to take the elevator up, not knowing what to expect. She wrung her hands raw as she waited to get to the top. She felt the elevator shake as the crazed Christian had no doubt crushed another building.  
  
DING!  
  
Satine had reached the top. She shivered as the doors opened and a cool breeze swept inside the elevator, commanding her to do her duty. She gingerly looked out to see the creature carrying on with his rampage, hollering and smashing things. She took a deep breath.  
  
"Christian!" she called. He did not respond. She tried again, this time louder. "Christian! It's me; it's Satine!" He stopped and looked around. "Over here!"  
  
Satine felt her heart skip a beat as the creature turned it's humongous head and gazed into her eyes. It was hideous, but she was positive it was Christian. The Earth shook as he went to Satine.  
  
He stood in front of the Eiffel Tower and the two stared at each other for a moment. Christian then lifted his huge hand and opened his palm, welcoming Satine to walk upon it. She paused for a moment, but gingerly did as he wished.  
  
The revolting creature flashed Satine a very bizarre smile, but it was truly genuine. Satine smiled too, knowing it was her dear Christian behind those large eyes. As soon as it seemed the destruction had finally come to a halt, the soldiers down below were aiming their rocket right at Christian!  
  
"Look! He's taken the girl!" the mayor screamed in horror. "Kill him!" The orders were clear, and the rocket was ready. The sergeant nodded towards the soldiers in agreement with the mayor.  
  
"FIRE!"  
  
Christian's heartfelt smile was soon replaced with a pained expression as the rocket fired into his body. His scream was earsplitting and Satine screamed as Christian wobbled in pain. He looked at her apologetically and closed his hand around her frail body to keep her safe as he fell to the ground with a great thud.  
  
Cheers filled the city as everyone witnessed the great monster fall. "We got him! We got him!" they all cried. Everyone had a smile on their faces, that is everyone except for Satine. As he gasped his last breath, his fingers uncurled and Satine wept as she saw how her Christian had fallen.  
  
It began to rain like it should in every dramatic scene and slowly but surely, Christian's big green body slowly shrunk back into it's regular, flesh-colored self. Satine clapped her hand to her mouth and ran to his side.  
  
"You promised!" Satine cried out into the mass crowd of people dancing and celebrating. She knelt down and held his adorable boyish face in her hands. "Why, oh why! Why did it have to be my sweet Christian?!" she cried miserably, shaking her fist up at the Heavens.  
  
Afterwards, the city was in utter confusion as to where the body of the monster had gone. Most people were so keen on celebrating with absinthe afterwards, that when they woke up the following day, they thought it to be a dream.  
  
You can see how Christian's rage brought him to his horrible death. And so, let it be written that it never pays to keep your anger inside.  
  
A/N: Oh boy. That's all I can say. I can't believe you've stayed this long to read this. Reviews, please. :o)  
  
And yes, the "GO HOME, EAT BLEACH AND DIE!" was a shameless plug to Angry Bot from www.wearerobots.com. 


End file.
